Yeah my first deployment is coming to an end and so I start to reflect back on the past year and if there is anything that I can take from it. Honestly I have found in all the different situations that I have been through that I learn more of what not to do and how not to act than I learn to do. In saying that I ask myself a few questions. Has this changed me and if so was it for the better or worse ? Did I learn anything important ? Have I grown up at all ? What will I do now ? Which direction do I choose to go and will it be the correct one ?
In the last month there were a couple of things I realized and it really got to me. One thing is that I will be 27 years old in October. Just the other day I thought this and my heart sunk. What have accomplished ? I mean most of my friends are married or in a serious relationship, have kids, good jobs and are settled down. Over here it feels like when you left for Iraq that everything back home was put on pause and it will all be the same when you come back, but sadly it does not. I have had friends get married, re-married, have kids or found out they are pregnant while I have been in Iraq. I am proud and happy for all of them and at the same time a little bit envious and jealous. I feel like I haven't done much so far with my life. There is a list but I will not go into a "poor me" rant...it's selfish and I hate pity parties. Alot of people will say "Kyle you have accomplished things....you signed up to protect your country and been deployed to Iraq". I get that, and understand and I really do appreciate everyone one of you that has supported the troops....you can be against the war all you want just as long as you support us and are there for us. That's the biggest motivation and moral booster we can get. Anyways, my point being there were a lot of things that when I was 20 that Ihad planned to do and be and here I am 27 and have gone in a COMPLETELY different direction physically, emotionally and spiritually (I will write a blog on the spiritually part in the near future) and feel like I am behind everyone else that I know. It's frustrating but as it's always been for me I will get there but it will be the long/hard way to it.
So I will end with a positive. Through all this, I know God is behind it and it's definitely not the road I wanted to go down when I was younger, but for some reason I know that it's the way God had for me to go.... i think that's a positive ? Anyways, goodnight from land of sand and sun ...but no fun.